Give It To Me Straight

The Brits, and particularly the Scots, prefer to drink their whiskey neat, that is, without water or mixers or ice. I learned this lesson the hard way on a RAF base on the island of Cyprus. I was with the U-2 detachment, a small minority of Americans among the British.

The RAF had established many little clubs on this base. They provided for morale, recreation, and welfare and lessened the presence of the troops in the local community. I remember an angling club, go-kart club, sailing club, drama club, and a music society whose only purpose was to pick the classical music played at the Roman amphitheatre.

Less than half the people in the angling club ever put a line in the water. They joined, not to catch fish, but to have a kabob and a Carlsburg at the beach on Sunday afternoon. Every club had a facility with clubhouse and bar.

One of the English schoolteachers, Jan, invited me to participate in a play at the Drama Club. I had once been interviewed by the Air Force for a movie on U-2 pilots. I was so terrible they had to throw the film away. So, I was not interested in acting, but I was fascinated by the process of starting with a raw script and turning it into a drama, complete with stage directions and scenery. And Jan was pretty.

The first night we went to practice everyone worked diligently on the stage to organize the play. After about an hour we adjourned to the bar. When asked my preference I said, “Scotch on the rocks, please.” The bartender took my glass, disappeared into the back, and came out about ten minutes later with my drink. Jan clued me in that they did not normally have ice, and that the bartender had walked several buildings away to the American officers’ quarters to get ice for my drink. I felt like the Ugly American.

A week later at the next play practice when we broke for drinks I ordered a whiskey neat. The same bartender asked, “Don’t you want any ice in it?” I said, “No, thanks, I always have my whiskey straight.” Jan again clued me in; the bartender, knowing that I would be there that evening, had already gone to the ice machine so he could serve me a Scotch on the rocks. The Even Uglier American! To this day I always drink my whiskey neat.

I was told about an American couple at a bar in Scotland. The wife, drinking a Collins with only one ice cube, asked her husband, “Honey, would you please get some more ice for my drink?” The husband dutifully went up the bartender and asked, “Could I please have another ice cube for my wife’s drink?” He replied, “Certainly, sir,” took the ice tongs, carefully removed the ice cube from the drink, and replaced it with a fresh one. The bartender could not imagine that anyone would want more than one ice cube in their drink.